SLex Workers and Slex Curtains

I think Second Life shouldn't be all about clubs.  There are loads of things to do and see that don't involve sex or saying Woot in a club. Or is there?
During my travels i am starting to chat with people who do other things, but i think its also time to point out how often i attract the crazies of the grid.

On Saturday I muted my first crazy person since I've been back. I never usually mute people cause i like to drag out the ridiculousness of a bad conversation, for comedy. Or if its a fight/argument, i will always have to have the last word and ill be muted first.
It all started with me having a quiet coffee and skimming through the job classifieds. Then I went out to some of the places that were advertising jobs.

I thought id give pole dancing a go, so i i went out to get a job as a dancer, how hard could it be?
Application forms??? Voice chat?? Sex Cams??DNA?? Hmmm, fuck, that's too much hassle, I just wanna dance on a pole.
While visiting one of these fine establishments, i received an IM from a guy who's chat up line immediately started with him telling me he had an illness/disability in rl. This is always a sign that things are going to get dirty or to make up for the weirdness that was to follow or make me feel sorry for him.

He got down to business very quickly and asked me if i would like to play with my real life feet for him?? He also wanted to know how flexible i was,ya know, to see if i could put my foot in my 'Hoo Haa' for him !!  All I could think about was being a worker in the place he was in AND he had 'no payment info on file'???  How was he paying these women for this shit? Was he using his supposed disability to get off for free?? Probably.  I couldn't be arsed messing with him and hit mute. While i'm on the subject and if he is reading this, i don't care if your head is hanging of or what illness you have, don't ask me to get you off and if i was, I wouldn't be doing it free. I don't think being an SLex worker is the job for me. I would get fired in minutes.

Most of the time doing normal stuff in SL turns out not to be so normal. I went out shopping with a friend. Sex Gen furniture shopping./ME ROLLS EYES (Not for my house) Suppose you kinda need a good friend with you when shopping for Sex furniture. I was shocked that the store was nicely laid out and wasn't tacky but i  was a bit sad there wasn't a naked noob chasing everyone with a prim dick like years ago. Anyone remember those crazies?
Anyway, The store was empty, so i happily offered to help try out the various beds and stuff on sale, fully dressed, of course. I have no idea what he gets up to in his spare time. Everything seemed very innocent looking. In the old days you just knew when something was Sex related. I cant explain it but you just knew.

Its Second Life and if you don't nearly pee yourself laughing at something every time you log in, you are missing out. I completely lost it and nearly died laughing when i saw this shop sold Sex Curtains.

So there i was playing with a set of sex curtains wondering, what the actual fuck? Would some guy ever get me near his sex curtains? Would he say, "would you like a go on my Sex Curtains?"
 Who the fuck actually has sex on or beside the curtains??

They had pretty much sex everything. Sex washing machines, sex ironing boards etc I left him shopping and had to log into rl, i think he bought one of everything but not the sex curtains but probably only cause his Man Cave has no windows.

Lots of love
Natalie xx

TOP 36 MOST ANNOYING THINGS IN SL

I decided id go out and about around the events that were going on at the weekend and its a shame to say they were all shit. I have never seen so many ugly clubs or places in my SLife. Thing is, there are some really beautiful club/bars/places to hang out in and they are aesthetically gorgeous but they are empty. I don't get it. Look at this place, i mean why is it empty?

I think i entered someones property and something really bad happened here. If this is your SL house you are a psychopath. But a very creative one. We would be great friends.

 As i swooshed around the grid looking for a story, it made me realise the things i hated about SL, so i thought id compile a list. It was supposed to be the Top 20 but i got carried away. Here goes.

1. People who say 'woot woot' in clubs should be clubbed to death

2. Men who do /me grins. Stop. Its creepy as fuck.

3. Women who '/me looks at' guys in public, especially in clubs. Is that supposed to be the SL way of looking romantically across the dance floor??
Example - Suzie gazes at Sammy. Sammy loving gazes back at Suzie??
Wise up. Just IM each other in private.

4. Dance huds that make everyone dance the same. What are we doing here, Zumba?

5. Single dance huds that make you look like a drunk hooker, sprawling on the floor and doing the splits.

6. Blue drop down messages in stores that keep coming the entire time you are in the store.

7. Group invites were you have to pay to join!! Yeah like fuck

8. Bots who look like real avatars. Stop. I try to talk to these when I'm drunk.

9. People who offer a teleport with no explanation as soon as you log in.
No, the world and my SLife does not revolve around you, so sit down and behave yourself.

10.Rezday parties.

11.Saying Woot at a Rezday party.

12. People totally naked trying on demos in stores. Stop it. Get the demo and take it home to your house.

13. People running around in giant cat, bear, unicorn outfits etc - you are a very complex puzzle to me, but i don't have the time to find out what makes your brain tick and you don't have to tell me.

14. Profiles that say "Only God can judge me"
Nope, I am judging you now, dick bag.

15. People who IM you randomly to tell you that something is wrong with you body.
Ok, ok, so i lost my teeth and my mouth wont stay shut , i was drunk ill work it out later.

16. Sl voice chat "Can ya hear me?" "Hello can ya hear me now?"I hate talking. People realise I'm just as ridiculous in rl,  if not more.

17. SL Pregnancy bellies that talk - i haven't saw
any recently. Must have been a 2010 thing

18. Sl Kids - adults who pretend to be kids need a good slap

19. Gor Role players who have never read a book and don't know who John Norman is.

20. Sl fashion shows - yawn

21. SL Art Galleries. Seriously, stop paying to have your gallery to come up in the classified. It comes up between Cum Dumsters and Cashino Slingo.

21. People who have numbers in their name

22. Gov Linden houses :(

23. Hitting detach all by mistake

24. Hooker shoes

25. Women and Men who assume having a dance means you're a couple!!!

26. Men who IM other women on SL dates and vice versa.

27. Having how many days you have been on sl on the Profile and imagining how many Lindens you have spent.

28. SLingo rules and 'How to Play' Note Cards. They make no sense at all.

29. Phil Linden never responding to my partnering requests

30.People who complain they can only be in 25 groups. If you need to be in more then you need to log of.

31. Places and people who put up yellow ban lines around their places so we cant see in. It just makes me more nosy about what your doing and ill just cam in and see what you're up to

32. Stores and clubs that ask if they can use your profile for their store greeting board. Firstly, no you cant. Secondly, why?

33. Dresses that people can click on to make your tits fall out

34. Fat packs- why do i want the same dress in 10 different colours?

35. Mesh everything. It was so much easier the old way and if mesh is so 2020 and everyone looks amazing why cant we have nice places to match.

36. Lastly, the people who take everything so seriously. I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything i say seriously, then you’re stupid.

Lots of love
Natalie xx

The SL Profile

Today i finally gave in and started using the Firestorm viewer. I hadn't used it because i kinda wanted a clean break from the way it was 13 years ago. My reason for the change? To be able to access peoples profiles quickly and efficiently.
I loooooovvvvveee reading peoples profiles and i have to say not much has changed, if anything its gotten worse.
You can tell so much from just reading a profile and some people, especially old SL clothing designers who now make shitty stuff, are just absolute wankers. Now i want to emphasize the word SOME, because everyone gets their panties in a bunch.
Trust me, if you're one of these wankers I am talking about, you will know and I've probably called you one to your face at some point.

Imagine going in real life store and asking the owner a question and they snapped at you, told you to write a letter or send an email, you would just walk out, right?
Whats with the SL Profile Bio messages??

 " DO NOT MESSAGE ME please read my profile before contacting me."

" Don't IM me, please send a NC." or the old classic, " Don't IM ,My IM gets capped"
 No it doesn't get capped, you twat. 100 people didn't contact you in 24 hrs, your clothes are shit, who you trying to kid? And no, i wont take a fucking number and send a NC, I just wont buy from your store.
So creators and designers, especially the oldies, who do you think you are? A fucking Kardashian? Get better at customer service and be thankful people buy your stuff. If ya cant, just fuck off.

Now for the regular profiles. Some are brilliantly witty while others are just shit. I've always struggled to write mine cause if i wrote the truth, i wouldn't have any friends. I'm an acquired taste as a friend. I kinda invade peoples hearts and steal them. Then they are my people and are stuck with me.

My all time favourite is when people write stupid shit like “Stay out of my profile” or “Quit stalking my profile”. Question for you assholes? Does it really piss you off when people read your profile? Well here is a bit of advice from me, a profile stalker. Just leave it blank. No wait, no one cares. Just log off SL, delete your account and fuck off!

Finally i get to the picks. This was added years ago to show people the places you loved in Second life. There used to be another function were you could score people who you liked best. People could score you as a nice person or a dick. They took that off and people started using the picks for their people.

I take my picks section very serious. Ya see not many people have ever added me to their picks. Years ago when i owned the SL gutter press, i had a lot of friends. I knew a lot of them weren't real friends and didn't want anyone to know they talked to me. Being in someones Picks is a big deal for me.
Recently SL fate brought me a new friend. I send him goofy, stupid gifts from Sl Marketplace and he carries me home when i'm drunk and helps me when i break my body. I was stunned when i saw i was in his picks, like really stunned. I don't think he realized what a big deal it  was and how it made me all emotional....but only a little bit cause my body didn't come with an SL heart or a brain and maybe its better that way.
Lots of love
Natalie xx

Safari, SLingo and Systems

 These stories are about what i do, so i reckoned i better drag my SL ass of a sun lounger and go do something.

My day started of very positive and i took myself out to a SL Safari Park. I packed myself a virtual picnic (with alcohol) and headed of for a day in the SLun. (Morning/Midday settings)
The Safari park didn't disappoint and i couldn't help cross my fingers in hope i would meet Joe Exotic there, but i didn't.

This place was great and of course the more i drank the better it was. I could close my eyes and imagine being on the plains of Africa.

 My excitement peaked when i found out i could rent a bike and cycle around the park......and surrounding rest areas. I'm so sorry to the people who i think were having intimate animated relations in the swimming pool. It was a mix of lag and vodka that caused me to accidentally ride my bike into your pool

It was the funniest moment of the day but alas, no pic cause i was too busy laughing.
The place was great and here is the LM.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/St.%20Martin/177/170/23


Now this was the point when i should have not had another drink and just went to my bed. I could have done that, but id didn't..... I stole a bike and like E.T i rode of into the sunset.

I went to Cashino Gaming , lost a shoe? and got addicted to SLingo. I had forgotten how much i loved it and hated it at the same time.
I remembered playing Poker years ago in SL, before they banned it They called it 'a game of chance'. Poker is not a Game of chance
Apparently Slingo is a game of skill so its legal??? I have no idea how clicking a button while a random number generator works is skill?? I was given a note-card on how to play this 'Game of Skill' but like every other instruction manual in SL, i threw it into the wind. As i clicked away at the buttons I couldn't help think, 'this machines broken'.

As my day was coming to a close i found my shoe and headed over to Muddys to dance with some friends. Now whats the deal with the SL modern woman??
Out of the blue a woman just randomly IM'd me to tell me i looked all blotchy and she even sent me a pic!!!! I didn't know this person, she was a complete stranger!!! What type of weirdo does this? She was apparently being helpful!!!! Would you do this is real life, just walk across a dance floor and tell someone they looked weird? No, ya wouldn't
Its rude, bitchy and the reason why i don't have many SL girlfriends.
I wasn't at all alarmed with my potential body issues, i knew what was wrong.
I had already sorted this problem with a friend a week previously. He had assumed there was something wrong with my alpha layers or body blah, blah.
After an hour of attaching and detaching we realised there was nothing wrong with me and that my friend had to adjust his graphic settings to Ultra or Advanced.
I took great pleasure in telling this helpful 'do gooder' that if she adjusted her settings she would be able to stalk me, whoops, i mean see me, just fine.
If you're reading this I hope you are mortified and as a bitch you are one of the best have ever met in SL.
How dare you quiz me on what body or skin i had? SUCK IT UP, YOUR SYSTEM IS SHIT. I could have been nasty there ans the but i am trying to be good and behave myself.
My friends could see me just fine and i guess that's how its just meant to be.

I got bored still listen to her prattle on about graphics cards, settings blah, blah and i went home. She was still typing as i climbed in my sl bed and shut of the lights /me snores
Lots of love
Natalie xx

You're so Vain, i bet you think this columns about you

Since i came back on Sl i have had six people just IM out if the blue, right as soon as i log on. All complete strangers. Three have been women. Stange women. Women dont casually IM other strange women. Its just not done. This isnt my first time around the grid. So whoever yas all are, trying to be BFFs, aint happening.

(i know every spy hud there was on the market and ways you can see when people are online)

I always rez at my home, so this type of behaviour makes alarm bells ring for me.
Im a very suspicious person and today i had a conversation with a guy who was having a rough time.
At the start i felt sorry for him and im trying to be a better, nicer person so i chatted. Then i thought whoa, how did you just randomly IM me and you were born 2 days ago? I jumped up was locking windows and doors and adding the person to the banlist at my house.
Now normally i would just mute these people but as i said, im trying to change and be a good person.
His profile was spilling with how he was loving and romantic. How he was deep and caring blah, blah, blah. Basically this guy was one sentence away from getting his first period.

I relaxed a bit as realised all my old stalkers are dead or bankrupt and i listened to his problems anyway.

He was trying to make new friends in SL but no one would go near him with a ten foot prim. He asked could he come to my house but i said nah. He asked why no one would let him chat or give him romance. I told him to drop the love and romance from his profile for a start and just explore the grid ob his own but he was desperate for love.
Why would no one love this guy?
Its because we are shallow fuckers, me included. SL hasnt changed from years ago, its the same, if not worse.
I explained in the best way possible way about how much time and money goes into creating a Second Life and that he hadnt tried then no one would take him serious or trust him. They would think he was an alt. He said he had no intention of spending money and would find a good woman somewhere who didnt care about money just love. I suggested he get suited and booted and head over to GOR and buy a few Kajira (slaves)
After the convo i felt a teeny bit guilty. Is it wrong to judge someone based in how hard they have worked on looking good? Is it wrong to judge someone on their house or how serious they take their Second Life?
I went over it my head and the answer was YES. 100%, absolutley, YES. If im gonna bust my ass to look decent, then i expect the same. I really hadn't change in 13 years, im still a bitch. Aww well.
I told Mr Noob, who was still asking me my rl age, bra size, blood group, DNA to go to the Second Life welcome place and he would meet like minded noobs and noobettes there he could play with. If he did or not ill never know or care.
Anyway back to my old security systems. I had the very best in gadgets 8 years ago, so im gonna go out and do a review on whats available in 2020. No bombs this time.
 Oh and if you dId know you in my past SLife and you know i loathe the ground your feet walk on, i hope you're bankrupt and living in a sandbox.....and this column wasnt about you.
Lots of love
Natalie xx

WHAT IS THE LAW?

Since it looks like im staying a while, i thought it would be a good idea to read the Second Life TOS, just incase anything had changed.
 You would assume it all be pretty much the same as years ago, but no.
Few are as familiar with the TOS as Rawly and i were.( Rawly if you are reading this please come back, i miss you) There wasnt a Sunday morning went by when one of us didnt receive the dreaded LL email to say our account had been suspended for 3 day or 5 days. It was always for something silly and funny. However, its all fun and games until you cant log in and you have a massive shoe collection that it might be deleted!
There was a big shake up around 2010 that i had completely forgotten about . Not many of you will know that Second Life  was once stricly over 18. If you have ever visited Bukkake Bliss, you will know why.
They had a Teen Second Life for kids and to be honest, it was probably a paedos paradise.
Around 2009 they started making us verify our accounts with pics of our passports to prove our age. Then the Teen SL closed and our world became flooded with 16 year olds.
I could spot the teens a mile away
Ive had loads of fun dates on sl, but i noticed after they let the teens on the main grid the conversations with guys changed. It kinda went from a normal flirtatious conversation to this.
He said Hi. I said Hi back. He asked how I was, and I said I was brill. He asked if I had a real life picture he could have, I said no.He sent a dick pic. I laughed. He asked for a titty pic. I said no. He asked me if I had a webcam, I said WTF? He then realised I have had in sl since 2006 and then presumed I would have lots of dirty sordid stories to tell him. I presumed he had already got a hard on and was playing with himself as i slapping his mucky virtual hands from sliding up my virtual dress. It was around this time i left. I joined Second Life not Tinder.

So for all you kiddies there is a whole piece in the TOS about if your 16 you have to behave, but unfortunely it doesnt say anything about telling someone you are 16. Just something to think about, cause ive already been asked about 10 times if im a woman in real life? Yes i am, but im also a pitbull terrier in designer heels, so fuck off.

I was very happy to see LL finally have a bit in there now about "age play". I was very much known as a vigilante years ago and frequently tracked down, exposed and reported many paedophiles. You might be surprised but the place was full of them. It was people pretending to be kids and other weird fucked up stuff. I had some very disturbing conversations with both men and woman.
I even got banned for copy/pasting a conversaruon i had with one of them!!! He reported me and reported him for the actual convo and being a paedophile. I got a 3 day vacation to Ban City and he probably still roamed the grid.

On a lighter note, i noticed the SL Police Blotter is gone. This was a place on the Second Life site that would show you how many crimes had been commited that day. What the crime was and the penalty. It was hilarious. Although not so much fun if you were on it.
Could it really be so? Has grid crime been completely stamped out? Or are SL criminals just getting smarter and not getting caught?

Ok, so im off for more exploring. I wanna say thank you to all the lovely people who i chat with at Muddys Music Cafe and who have laughed at and encouraged me to write my column. You guys are brill :)

Lots of Love
Natalie xx

Oh the places you can go -SL Paparazzi

Tp'ing around the grid on my own is my most favourite thing to do. Ive seen a lot of you out and about, and you say hi. Always say it with your fingers on the keyboard cause i rarely listen to chat. Im not shy id just rather listen to music. My music.

Im old school Sl. We didn’t really have chat back when i was a young thing. Back when dinosaurs roamed the grid. Think im joking, i have a full size prim T Rex in my inventory. Why? I like to drink on sl and shop.

When the voice chat thing came in we spent hours going, " can ya hear me? Can ya hear me now? Hello??? You there??."
I hate it. It has no place in my Second Life although i have a small group of beautiful friends who i do chat with,  cause they force me.

Ive shopped a lot this week. Shopping in sl is very different than years ago. There doesnt seem to be fashion shows, couture or annoying models, and i love it.
Or maybe there is and ive yet to discover a whole new level of shallow egomaniacs.

If you are having a fashion show, with sl models, you might get the urge to contact me to come write about and photograph them, like i did years ago Heres the deal. Please for the love of god, dont invite me. I hate all that stupid shit.

All the clothing  in sl is now very revealing.
While I’m known for my sometimes unruley, unladylike, unshockable behaviour, I’m still not getting used to seeing my arse hanging out the back of my dresses. Or having someone click the front of my dress and my tits falling out  Is this a thing now?

While we are talking about tits and arses, I think some of ya'll need an intervention. Love me or hate me for saying it, but someone has to. What’s the thing with the big giant arses a lot of you ladies seem to love? Now im not talking like a big booty and talking about really stupid ones. Some of them are so ridiculous they are going to need their own name tag soon. Yoir arses will need their own account ffs.

Moving on to Name Tags. Can someone help out a poor old sl woman? People say Hi and i don’t know what to call most of them . They have so many letters, symbols and emoji’s, I’m thinking were do i start here. The best name i have seen so far was Lo Exotic.

So if you see me out and about around the grid say hello and we can take a selfie, name tag included.

Lots of love
Natalie xx